On trying....

Quick! She needs a straightjacket!
They’ll put you in a padded cell.....

They’ll come and take you away....but no one will want you.
You’ll end up on the streets with nothing.....

You’ll lose the house....
What did we do to deserve you....?

“Mummy, Sarah said this, and did that, and then tore my shirt today”
“Well, what did you say to make her do that? You must have said something to upset her...? To make her do that?”  

Get upstairs to the bathroom; I’m going to wash your mouth out with soap....
The gagging, the taste, the fear, the indignation of attacked self-esteem.....

“Pipe down! Ssssh! Stop it! That’s wrong! Sally wouldn’t do that! What do you know?”
Shrink - doubt - frown in bafflement - harden - protect - pretend - act - defy.

Young - curious - bouncy - talkative - inquisitive - quick - excited - creative - keen....
Sensitive - nervous - confused - doubting - choked - bewildered - tight - angry - sad...

Black, terror, blind-with-confusion, turning in, facing self, shouting, hitting, compressing.
What I do. What I say, What I think, What I try. 
Who I am - not good enough.
All I have being used as a weapon to change me....
Home, safety, love, grounding, care, shelter, protection
Removed, taken, stolen, disappear, vanish without warning because of
Who I Am.
More than that - Because I Am.
Because I exist, I wont exist.

Is non-existence fearful? No.
Is the reason I can’t exist fearful? Yes.
That reason is....?
Because everything I do, I say, I am, is responsible for how everyone on the planet feels.
It was so at 5, at 15, and as my world grew, 
so did the numbers of people I surely impacted.
As my knowledge and skills grew, so did my ability to ‘make things worse’....
Am I afraid of loss of ‘my riches’? 
Everything I am so blessed to have, to have in the west, in the UK?
No, no more than most.
But the fear of the reason I would lose them, yes, yes, yes.
Fear, fear, fear - crippling - black - holding - blind - fear.
For that loss would confirm the wrongness of my existence.

Young they would take me away from my shelter.
Older they would take my shelter away from me.
Because I exist.

And because I didn't try hard enough to change.

Try, try, try, - “Just try, darling....For us?”
Just look as if you’re trying?
Just don’t come bottom?
All that money and...head in hands, tears and migraines;
Oh God, you’re hopeless.....

So, I’ve tried.
I’ve tried and tried and tried to look like I’m trying.
I try and try and try, and check endlessly that I am trying....
by trying to feel as if I am trying.
Check that I feel as if I am trying.
...that I am tired out - from trying.
...that I am so busy - with trying.
...that I can tell people all that I’ve been doing in my trying.
...that I can tell people all the things I am going to try next.....

But that I can succeed....?
Who? Me?
Succeed?
Tell people I’ve succeeded?
Tell people what I am going to succeed at next?
Baffled, and what you mean by this? 
Oh come on!! Don’t be crazy!
I can’t succeed; you know that, you can see that, can’t you?
It’s Not What I Do.
But I am very good at trying.
I’ll try ever harder for you, over and over.
Because I care. I care to please. I care to care. 
But they never thought I could succeed.
And you don’t either - surely?
I never thought I could succeed.
So we stopped at trying - a trying truce.
And I just got better and better at trying.
Going round and round in the collecting ring, never going into the main ring.
That’s for others.
That’s for the clever ones.
For the ones who try so well that they succeed.
I’m not even very good at trying.
Only trying to try.
Trying not to show that I even fail at trying.
Pretending I can. Pretending I will. Because I will....
I really, really will, I will.....
I’ll try.

And I’ll try so hard to be the person you want me to be.
To be the success you want me to be.
The one you say you can see....
The one who is mirrored back from my eyes to yours....
The you you want to be....
The one who has Made Something of Me....
So you can feel your trying has worked.
So you can feel you succeeded.
Through me.
The me who you think can make something of you.

And if I fail? Again?
I will lose everything.
Taken in punishment.
For being me. 
For not being I-have-no-idea-who.
But mostly for not trying hard enough.
But if I don’t keep trying to try harder, no one will want me.
I’ll end up on the streets - alone. 
Beyond dead - unwanted.

If I do more than trying, I Will Fail.
If I can’t succeed at trying, I will fail at doing.
That failure is too big to imagine.
Trying is safe; trying is what they wanted.
I can’t truly fail if I only try.
But if I act - I might fail.
Then I, Me, Who I Am, I fail - actually fail.
Actively fail.
Do something different to the plan where trying resides,
and oh they will laugh!
Derisory - jeering - mocking - shame - shrink - harden - turn in - stick - beat - stupid.
Plus, their life will be spoilt by my failure to please.
And they will feel like me....
Nothing....
Mocking and mocked - jeered at and jeering - hurt and hurting. 
Reduced - by me.
No, no, no - I can’t risk that;
My pain and their pain - too much.

So, I’ll keep quiet.
Keep all this to myself.
Hide it.
Keep me to myself.
Hide me.
And just tell them I’m trying.

ooOoo

Tomorrow, how did this manifest in my body? And how did I release it?