Tuesday, 8 September 2015

De-grumpification and de-resistantism….

Grumpy. Yes, that one. Why? What for? In the first hour of yesterday I observed ‘grumpy’. How was grumpy? - meaning, how happened grumpy? How did grumpy get done, for it did; grumpy isn’t separate from me, it IS me. How was I doing grumpy? How was I being as I was noticing grumpy? I noted grumpy was simply about having to do something I didn’t want to have to do right now. I could have focussed on not being grumpy, or telling myself to note the sunshine and the blessing of a new day, but instead I checked out grumpy as best I could; it had useful information. 
This is how it went for me in its un-believably non-earth-shattering-content... I awoke - hungry. I got up to release the dog from his night crate - still hungry. But no food or drink yet as I choose to do my ‘oil-pulling'; the only way I’m getting through the 10 days until I can see my dentist for my previous, but now improving with ‘pulling’, toothache. Grumpy is already growing, but I am ignoring it and powering on. The dog wants to go out, so I let him out. I climb on the bed again and get the oil in my mouth, a teaspoon of coconut oil (pretty ugh until it melts, and even then) apparently in order to draw the toxins and/or infection out of the gum into the oil. Grump grows as dog comes in clean, but all wet and needs a good towelling  (He’s a dachshund - wet from dew.) I sit on the bed to finish watching something on my laptop begun last night, and ‘bonk’ announces the laptop; it’s running out of power. Find the charger isn't in its usual place beside my bed, so get up and go to get it from upstairs - still swilling away. And as I come down with the laptop charger, I see it... 
....the years of grumpiness experienced by me, and of other’s grumpiness. I, and they, just wanted to be doing something else right at that moment. OK, we can’t always do what we want; some things need to be done in a certain moment, but not as many things as we think; all the 'shoulds' of the morning were my own! And that’s all grumpy is. Not a dastardly flaw of character. Not something of which to be afraid. Just grumpy sending me a message to listen. When I awoke I wanted food. But no food yet because of the oil-pulling need. I wanted to get it done (yes, end-gaining!) but the dog had needs. I wanted to watch the end of the Wayne Dyer movie before it goes off air after its generous free offer following Wayne’s death last week. Yet I still couldn’t watch the movie until I had gone and got the laptop charger. And I was still hungry! And tired. There! That was all is was; I'm tired. I want to be still today, but it’s a busy day of teaching. I love and want my teaching, but grumpy, right now, wants to be still. That’s the information I was missing in all the other stuff. That a little stillness is needed. And I can have stillness within my activities, I know I can; it just takes presence to them.
And I remember the times my mum was grumpy as hell. She wanted to be doing anything at all other than cooking meals - I never knew she loathed cooking. That she wanted to be in the garden with her plants. I never knew that until I was about 35. I don’t think she knew until then either. She just, like we all do, tended to project her inner discomfort as she ‘just got on with it’. I’m sure you know what I mean, from within and without. And so we all do grump from time to time 
So, I gained a gentle reminder to myself this morning: that when grump appears, stop. Just stop the inner gabbling, stop the rushing, and listen. One can stop even within movement - I mean, to 'Come To Presence' wherever I am in that moment. Then, Listen. Hear. Acknowledge. Respond. For me this would have meant consciously recognising I was hungry and consciously choosing food over oil, rather than reacting with an inner, ‘But I’ve GOT to do the oil - grrrr!’ Consciously deciding not to open the door (doglette had been out earlier) so the wet wouldn’t have been an issue. Consciously deciding that, if I wanted to watch this movie, I just had to go get the charger. Or not. And mostly to notice and acknowledge that I am tired today. But the main word in there? Acknowledge. Having been heard, grump has laid down and gone back to sleep along with the dog. I'm just a person, like all other persons, who feels grumpy come to visit when inner needs aren’t acknowledged. These needs might not be able to be acted on right now, but that’s not the problem, that’s not why grump has showed up; it’s the need to have needs acknowledged - large and small, both big life decisions and tiny momentary choices. Grump isn’t interested in size of conundrum, just an acknowledgement that it's there.
So happy de-grumpification to you this week. Much de-resistantism to you. And lots of acknowledging for you, by you, this week.

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